SO SO REAL!

I realize now that really this blog should be something of a ministry tool of sorts. It is hard to find the time to be as consistent as I would like and I really need it more for just a simple way to keep some friends and family up to date with photos and events in the Lawrence life, but still, I see from some friends who have read that I must continue to speak maybe some of the deeper things of God in our life here in our little home in the Malibu Canyon Villas!

It's so easy to get stuck in the daily grind of my day with the constant clean up and responsibilities of helping with homework and planning playdates that I forget to enjoy these blessings. But when I sit down to blog, it helps to remind me of how wonderful they all are even in the midst of the endless correction and teaching that is necessary.

I feel the need to express again my surrender to not portray any model of perfection, but rather rugged realness, naked honesty of the truly ugly moments motherhood can bring out of me, out of many of us. We are not to leave behind us, in this season of mothering young ones, the things that helped recreate us in times before parenting consumed us. It is clear to me how quickly I become something I am not, (someone I loathe even )when I miss the moment to step away and find the me that isn't just MOMMMY! My committment is to continue to explore those areas again that will help me to get back to some of the me that is kind of missing. I want to be that person that people say, she is so real, I know I can trust her with my most messy stuff. I don't ever want to be the one that other moms look at and say ugh, when I am with her I feel like I will just never measure up. I have had mommy friend's like that who my husband would have to point out to me that, although I would defend myself and say that I just admired the excellence in how they did things, he would counter that I always came away from my time with them feeling as though all of my own mommy intuitions were never quite good enough. SO, let it be shouted from the mountaintops that I shall boast about my weaknesses as Paul talks of in the scriptures...that some of you might now you are not alone in those moments you feel as though you want to give up, that there is no hope for the impatient mom you have been. Know that you change is possible, that God isn't giving up on you and you shouldn't give up on His work in you either. It's often dark for quite some time in the midst of real change that he is trying to work in us. Sometimes we can't see His hand. Today I watched the animated film on Joseph. There is a song that sort of goes like, "you know better than I, you know the way." I watched it with Keenan today and I bawled like a baby at the end again just as I did when I watched it with AJ probably five years ago. There have been so many moments in my life with the difficult drama in my family that I throw myself on the pillow at night, wondering why as Joseph must have when his brothers sold him and he spent that many years in prison for false accusations, why have things had to be the way the have had to be. When will reconcilation come for me and for mine as it did for Joseph when the brothers came to Egypt and he revealed his identity to them and after testing them, forgave them and reunited with them? Will it come? Have I done enough? It is hard to say some days. I want to do more, I want to push for the outcome I want and then I feel to refrain believing somehow in the midst of all that has been that God is my defense, He has allowed these hard times of separation for a purpose far greater than I can understand now. He has allowed what He has to make me who He created me to be. I will not cower and shy away from the gentle hand of my surgeon who is only working in me to not leave me the mess that I know I am but to make a testimony, a great example of His power being made perfect in all of my weaknesses! Oh God, let me be, SO SO very REAL...that they may know how very Real and Alive YOU are!